Dom's first App

Welcome to the Government's new Track and Trace App.

First, we need to ask you a few questions.

Continue

Can you see a castle in this picture?

Yes No

Have you been to the Isle of Wight?

Answer yes to this question if you have been there for any reason. For example:

you were there on a school trip when you were 15 and managed to buy some vodka, then broke into a crazy golf;
you ran away from home to see Clapton and Dylan play in the 60s;
you went there a couple of weeks ago to have a barbecue with an MP during lockdown.

Yes No

Which of these symptoms do you have?

A new, persistent cough
A fever
In "Good Spirits"
A sense of bewilderment
Rising, boiling anger
Grief, frustration and disbelief

We're nearly ready to start tracking your contacts. First, we need to know whether we can send this man all your personal details?

(Don't worry, we will keep hold of your data and we will not destroy it.)

Yes

Which of these countries is bigger?

Belgium
The United Kingdom (England)

Don't compare us with other countries. Remember not to try to work out whether 50,000 is a bigger number than 20,000, either. It's too soon to be sure.

Which of the following jokes has reassured you most?

Before you answer, try to remember that the Prime Minister is having a very difficult time. The Leader of the Opposition is hardly helping either, insisting on getting questions answered on the record instead of doing everything over the telephone.

Whack-a-Mole
Take it on the chin
Operation Last Gasp

You have completed the steps.

Oh, shit. I forgot to get you to turn Bluetooth on. Sorry. Anyway, you'll probably be fine. Or catch it, which is cool too. Good luck.

(Honestly, why did it have to be our turn when this happened? You'd already had a tory government for ten years, for God's sake! We'd run down absolutely everything, diverting profits to our backers, and judging it just right so that in 2024 we could hand over to Labour a broken husk of a country and let them take the blame for ruining it as they start to undo our damage, so we could step back in.

But this is harrowing stuff. We destroyed the UK's capacity to cope with a pandemic, and we're just too generally useless to protect care home residents or control the spread of disease.

Yet somehow, we're still just about getting away with it. We'll blame the scientists, we'll blame Labour if we possibly can, and in the end, we'll blame you.)

You may now close this app.